Never the same
by Ecda
Summary: Hotch is missing after their horrific case in Canada and Emily looks for him.


Never the same…

She dried her tears once again, promising herself that they would not make another appearance, at least while she was sitting next to him. It would not help him if he suddenly woke up and the first thing for him to see was her tear stricken face. She had to be strong but that was easily said than done. What an awful week this had been for all of them and now this. It was just too much. Too much horror, too much sorrow and right now just too much pain. How did this happen? Why? She kept asking herself this question and started remembering…

The plane ride from Canada had been depressing. None of them wanted to chat, each trying to understand what had occur in that farm, each trying to make sense of all the lives that were lost. It had been their hardest case to date and she hoped they never would encounter another one like it. When they arrived back at the BAU, they were getting ready to do some of the paper work when Hotch came out of the office and told them all to go home. She got on the elevator along with Morgan and Reid. Reid tried to make conversation but failed miserably. They were just not in the mood. When they reached the parking garage each of them said their goodbyes. Spencer had a confused look on his face, as if for the first time in his life he could not explain something, she was sure he felt lost and even though she would have liked to help him she did not know how. She felt lost herself. On the other hand, Morgan had seemed about to explode, at whom she was not sure, but she had felt anger radiating from him.

As she drove home she thought about the rest of the team. She envied JJ, going home to Will and Henry. Emily was sure that holding Henry would bring JJ a great comfort. Her other friend, Garcia had been in a state of almost shock during the flight home, she had not uttered a word but her eyes had expressed a great sadness. I had just been too hard to look at her. They all could count on Penelope to say something wacky and make them smile but not today, probably not for a few days. Rossi had been the one that had kept his façade in one piece. He kept it together during the plane ride and then went inside his office and closed the door. The all had heard something inside break but no one had to ask what had happened for each of them had had the urge to throw something too. Finally her thoughts turned to Hotch, their Unit Chief. People who did not know him, though him cold and arrogant, boy were they wrong. During the plane ride, he kept looking at the window, no doubt trying to hide the unshed tears that threatened to come out. When he came out of his office and sent the team home, he looked tired and dejected but most of all he looked concerned. Emily knew that the reason for his concern was the team. She was certain that Hotch was worrying about how this awful case had affected them all and was even probably thinking on ways to help each of them cope with what happened during the next few days. Now that was not about to happen….

That had been yesterday, although it seemed a long time ago. Right now she was sitting on a chair besides Hotch's hospital bed. The doctors said he had lost a lot of blood but would make a complete recovery, at least physically.

When Morgan, usually the last to arrive at the BAU, came out from the elevator looking tired but not full of rage, and sat down across Emily, her inner alarm started to sound. Why was Hotch not here yet? Two hours later when JJ showed up with another case, she was not the only one worried that nobody seemed to know where Hotch was and why was he uncharacteristically late. Rossi sent her to Hotch's apartment after he did not answer any of his phones while the rest of them went to work the new case.

The sight that greeted her when she entered Hotch's apartment would be forever recorded on her memory. There was some broken glass and several spots of blood on the carpet, just in front of the small bar. That got her calling for reinforcements and for the EMT's. Suddenly, she saw a trail of blood leading to what seemed like Hotch's bedroom and her heart began to pound on her ears. Then she saw him and her world turned completely upside down. Hotch was lying in a pool of his own blood, he had cuts all over his torso and he was unnaturally pale. She ran towards him and called his name while checking for a pulse. She had barely found it when she heard a siren approaching. She had to wait about two minutes for the EMT's to arrive but those two minutes had felt like two hours for Emily. She had taken hold of Hotch's limp hand and started to encourage him to hold on. She had no idea if he could somehow hear her but she did not care, she was encouraging him as well as herself.

Emily knew she had almost lost it while she waited for help. There were some situations that were just too horrible to face and this had beat them all. Hotch was their rock, as simple as that and at the same time as complex as that. He was always there for them, to guide them, help them, teach them and once in a while call their attention in a firm but gentle way. He never expected more than he himself could give and was famously fair. His intimidating gaze was known all over the FBI just as well as how much he cared for his team members. Right now his eyes were closed and Emily was feeling scared of what she would see in them when he finally woke up. The truth was that she was even more frightened of what Hotch would be able to see reflected on her eyes.

It had been three hours and forty-two minutes since she walked through Hotch's apartment and as Emily waited for him to open his eyes, she was sure of one thing: life would never be the same.

Hope you liked it and happy watching of CM season 5 to all!!!


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